Whatsapp with a user base of 1 Billion is the most popular messaging application in Planet earth. Mostly used for sharing funny jokes and instant messages, whatsapp steals hell a lot of time from the life of an average human being living in a developed country. Below we have collected some of the most shared messages in Whatsap. Hope you enjoy reading it.
Types of Ladies
Technically there are 7 TYPES OF LADIES:
- HARD DISK lady: Remembers everything forever.
- RAM lady: Forgets about you the moment you leave.
- SCREENSAVER lady: Just for looking.
- INTERNET lady: Difficult to access.
- SERVER lady: Always busy when needed
- MULTIMEDIA lady: Looks beautiful but you can only look.
- VIRUS lady: This type of lady is normally called WIFE, once enters your system, never leaves even if the system is formatted.
The Age
Wife was in the ICU
The husband was unable to control his tears
Doctor: We are trying our best but can’t guarantee anything. Her body is not reacting, It seems she is in a coma
Husband: Doctor please save her. She is just 30 years old and the family needs her Suddenly something happened Miraculously, the ECG started beeping like crazy. A hand moved her lips mumbled and she spoke:
I’m 29
KFC
At age 5 his Father died.
At age 16 he quit school.
At age 17 he had already lost four jobs.
At age 18 he got married.
Between ages 18 and 22, he was a railroad conductor and failed.
He joined the army and washed out there.
He applied for law school he was rejected.
He became an insurance sales man and failed again.
At age 19 he became a father.
At age 20 his wife left him and took their baby daughter.
He became a cook and dishwasher in a small cafe.
He failed in an attempt to kidnap his own daughter, and eventually he convinced his wife to return home.
At age 65 he retired.
On the 1st day of retirement he received a cheque from the Government for $105.
He felt that the Government was saying that he couldn’t provide for himself.
He decided to commit suicide, it wasn’t worth living anymore; he had failed so much.
He sat under a tree writing his will, but instead, he wrote what he would have accomplished with his life. He realised there was much more that he hadn’t done. There was one thing he could do better than anyone he knew. And that was how to cook.
So he borrowed $87 against his cheque and bought and fried up some chicken using his recipe, and went door to door to sell them to his neighbours in Kentucky.
Remember at age 65 he was ready to commit suicide.
But at age 88 Colonel Sanders, founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) Empire was a billionaire.
Moral of the story: Attitude. It’s never too late to start all over.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, IT’S ALL ABOUT YOUR ATTITUDE. NEVER GIVE UP NO MATTER HOW HARD IT GETS.
You have what it takes to be successful. Go for it and make a difference. No guts no glory. It’s never too old to dream.
Acceptance
When we don’t accept an undesired event, it becomes Anger;
when we accept it, it becomes Tolerance.
When we don’t accept uncertainty, it becomes Fear;
when we accept it, it becomes Adventure.
When we don’t accept other’s bad behaviour towards us, it becomes Hatred;
when we accept it, it becomes Forgiveness.
When we don’t accept other’s Success, it becomes Jealousy; when we accept it, it becomes Inspiration.
Acceptance is the key to handling life well.
World Through a Wife’s eye
Let’s see the world through a wife’s eyes!
World’s most perfect Man – Her Father!
World’s most beautiful woman – Her Mother!
World’s most Intelligent female – She herself!
World’s best husband – Her Brother!
World’s most Handsome boy – Her Son!
World’s luckiest man – Her sister’s husband!
World ‘s luckiest woman – Her brother’s wife!
World’s most mad woman – Her Mother in Law!
World’s most dumb, selfish, liar, miser and useless man – …….
Do I need to tell this???
Head rest of a car
The headrest of car seats is deliberately kept detachable and sharp so that it could be used to break open the glass of car in case of fire and emergency.
The car’s glass too is kept easily breakable from inside.
Very few people know about it and thus can’t save themselves in case of emergencies.
Please share it with as many possible and educate
Interview
I was in a job interview today when the HR Manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try and sell this to me.”
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the room and the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, “Bring it back here right now!”
I said,”Rs 35000 and it’s yours.
The Killers
Whatsaap Killed SMS
Youtube Killed DVD
Skype Killed ISD Calls
Ebay Killed Real Shopping
Facebook Killed Real Life
And Rahul-Kejri killed Santa-Banta.
PLANS FOR EASTER
Wife: What are your plans for Easter?
Husband: Same as Jesus.
Wife: What do you mean??
Husband: I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!
Who became doctors?
When I was young I decided to go to medical school. At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the alphabets
P N E I S
and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered SPINE are all doctors today,
Vijay Mallya and Indian Banks
After lots of allegations and jokes, Vijay Mallya goes to SBI to repay the loan. but see what happens:
Monday:
Vijay to SBI person: I want to repay my loan…
SBI: It’s lunch time come after 1 hour…
Tuesday:
Vijay to SBI person: I want to repay my loan, so today I came early at 9.30…
SBI: We are not open still, come after 11am…
Wednesday:
Vijay to SBI person: I want to repay my loan; I’ve come at 11 am like you asked me to…
SBI: Month end sir, today is too much rush, wait for some time or come after tea time.
Thursday:( comes at 2 pm)
Vijay to SBI person: I want to repay my loan.
SBI: Have u brought all the documents?
Looks like two of your documents are missing. and I need a stamp from the other banks,
come after doing it.
We can’t take your documents like that – it’s a govt. bank, not private bank, right?
Friday:
Vijay to SBI person: I want to repay my loan, I have come with all the documents…
SBI- The designated person is on leave… come tomorrow…
Saturday:
Vijay goes to Bank & surprised after seeing it closed, asks the watchman: Is the bank closed because of me?
Watchman: Sir. today 2nd Saturday come On Monday.
Sunday:
Vijay leaves India…
(Facts written & Scripted by a tired customer of so called banks)
Leonardo DiCaprio
NDTV reporter to Leonardo DiCaprio at the Oscars:
What do you think about the rising intolerance in India?
Leo: No, I’m NOT returning this award. Not this one!
The 70’s Kids
Superb stuff for those who grew up during the 70-90s in middle class India, here are some things that you can identify with……
- Though you may not publicly own to this, at the age of 12-17 years, you were very proud of your first “Bellbottom” or your first “Maxi”.
- Phantom & Mandrake were your only true heroes. The brainy ones read “Competition Success Review”.
- Your “Camlin” geometry box & Natraj/Flora pencil were your prized possessions.
- The only “Holidays” you took were to go to your grandparents’ or your cousins’ houses.
- Ice-cream meant only – either an orange stick, a vanilla stick – or a Choco Bar if you were better off than most.
- You gave your neighbour’s phone number to others with a ‘PP’ written against it because you had booked yours only 7 years ago and were still waiting for your number to come.
- Your parents were proud owners of HMT watches. You “earned” yours after SSC exams.
- You have been to “Jumbo Circus”; have held your breath while the pretty young thing in the glittery skirt did acrobatics, quite enjoyed the elephants hitting football, the motorcyclist vrooming in the “Maut – ka – Gola” and it was politically okay to laugh your guts out at dwarfs hitting each other’s bottoms!
9.. You have at least once heard “Hawa Mahal” and “Binaca Geetmala” on the radio.
- If you had a TV, it was normal to expect the neighbourhood to gather around to watch the Chitrahaar or the Sunday movie. If you didn’t have a TV, you just went to a house that did. It mattered little if you knew the owners or not.
- Sometimes the owners of these TVs got very creative and got a bi or even a tri-coloured anti-glare screen which they attached with two side clips onto their Weston TVs. That confused the hell out of you!
- Black & White TVs weren’t so bad after all because cricket was played in whites.
- You thought your Dad rocked because you got your own (the family’s; not your own own!) colour TV when the Asian Games started. Everyone else got the same idea as well and ever since, no one came over to your house and you didn’t go to anyone else’s to watch TV.
- You dreaded the death of any political leader because of the mourning they would announce on the TV. After all, how much ” Shashtriya Sangeet ” can a kid take? Salma Sultana also didn’t smile during the morning.
- You knew that ” Indira Gandhi ” was somebody really powerful and terribly important. And that’s all you needed to know.
- The only “Gadgets” in the house were the TV, the Fridge and possibly a mixer.
- Movies meant Rajesh Khanna or Amitabh Bachchan.Before the start of the movie you always had to watch the obligatory “Newsreel”.
- You thought you were so rocking because you knew almost all the songs of Abba and Bony M.
- Your hormones went crazy when you heard “ Aap Jaisa Koi Meri Jindagi Mein Aaye ” by Nazia Hassan .
- Photograph taking was a big thing. You were lucky if your family owned a camera. A reel of 36 exposures was valuable hence it justified the half hour preparation & “setting” & the “posing” for each picture. Therefore, you have at least one family picture where everyone is holding their breath and standing in attention!
Cheers to good old friends & times. miss those days .
Western Media
A man in USA sees a tiger attacking a girl!
He fights the tiger, it dies!
Newspapers report “LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM TIGER “..
Man says
“I’m not American”
Report changed “Foreign Hero Saves girl from tiger”..
Man says: “Actually I’m Pakistani.”
Breaking News: . “Terrorist killed Innocent tiger which was playing with a Girl.”
That’s reputation
A maintenance Issue
Husband: (calls up Hotel Manager from room) Please come fast, I am having an argument with my wife & she says she will jump from your hotel window.
Manager: Sir, I am sorry, but this is your personal Issue.
Husband: nannmagne ! The window is not opening! This is a maintenance issue.
Don’t laugh alone pass it on.
What Killed Ranjan Das?
Ranjan Das, CEO and MD of SAP-Indian subcontinent died after a massive cardiac arrest in Mumbai recently. One of the youngest CEOs, he was only 42.
What killed Ranjan Das?
He was very active in sports, was a fitness freak and a marathon runner.
After his workout, he collapsed with a massive heart attack and died. He is survived by his wife and two very young kids.
It was certainly a wake-up call for corporate India. However, it was even more disastrous for runners.
The question arises as to why an exceptionally active, athletic person succumbed to a heart attack at 42 years of age.
What is the real reason?
Everyone missed out a small line in the reports that Ranjan used to manage with 4-5 hours of sleep.
In an earlier interview of Ranjan on NDTV in the program ‘Boss’ day out’, Ranjan Das himself admitted that he sleeps less and would love to get more sleep.
Short sleep duration (<5 or 5-6hrs) increases risk for high BP by 350% to 500% compared to those who slept longer than 6 hours per night.
Young people (25-49 years of age) are twice as likely to get high BP if they sleep less.
Individuals who sleep less than 5 hours a night have a 3-fold increased risk of heart attacks.
Just one night of sleep loss increases very toxic substances in body such as Interleukin-6 (IL-6), Tumour necrosis factor-alpha (TNF-alpha) and C-reactive protein (CRP). They also cause cancer, arthritis and heart disease.
Sleeping for <=5 hours per night leads to 39% increase in heart disease. Sleeping for <=6 hours per night leads to 8% increase in heart disease.
What is ideal sleep?
In brief, sleep is composed of two stages: REM (Rapid Eye Movement) and non-REM. The former helps in mental consolidation while the latter helps in physical repair and rebuilding.
No wonder when one wakes up with an alarm clock after 5-6 hours of sleep, he / she is mentally irritable throughout the day (lack of REM sleep).
And if somebody has slept for less than 5 hours, the body is in a complete physical mess (lack of non-REM sleep), the person is tired throughout the day and immunity is way down.
In conclusion:
Barring stress control, Ranjan Das did everything right: eating proper food, exercising, maintaining proper weight. But he missed getting proper and adequate sleep, minimum 7 hours. That killed him.
We are playing with fire if we are sleeping less than 7 hours even if we have low stress.
Do not set your alarm clock under 7 hours.
Ranjan Das is not alone.
Do Share it with all the Good People In your Life
Planning
Out of the box planning… Valentine’s Day Special:
I met my friend Richa , a smart lawyer, at the post office.
She was posting about 4 dozen cards.
I asked her what was the occasion?
She said that these were Valentine cards and signed as “Guess Who” and sent to all the married men in and around her society.
She said that last year she had posted about 2 dozen and was lucky to have about 4 divorce cases.
So this time she wanted to increase her biz.
A Wife is a Wife
A newly married couple was walking through a garden suddenly a dog ran towards them.
They both thought the dog would bite them.
The husband lifted his wife and let the dog bite him than his sweetie.
The dog stopped before them barked for a while and ran away.
The husband put his wife down expecting a hug and a few kind words from her.
Then his wife shouted ” I have seen people throwing stones and sticks at dogs this is the first time I am seeing someone trying to throw his wife at a dog”.
Husband… “????”
Moral : A Wife is Wife
No One ELSE Can MIS-UNDERSTAND a Husband Better, than a Wife
Swami Unknownananda
Pythagoras Theorem
A great man said…?
I still use Pythagoras theorem of
30?60?90? to solve most difficult problems of life.
Only difference is,
‘degrees’ have been replaced by ‘ml’
30ml?60ml?90ml?
Absolute Classic!!!
Astrologer: Do u want to know about your husband’s future?
Wife: Rubbish, I will decide his future! you tell me his past.
Height of Misunderstanding:
Wife not talking to Husband & Thinking that She is Punishing him.
Dis is really interesting:
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are wittren, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Tag yuor fiernds if you funod tihs interesting.
Sorry ladies
Finally, a Husband’s point of view.
At last a Husband has taken the time to write down this all finally.
We always hear “the rules” from the Wife’s side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.
these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!
- Husbands ARE not mind readers.
- Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
- Crying is blackmail.
- Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
- Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
- Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
- A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
- Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
- If you think your fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
- If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
- You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
- Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
- ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
- If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
- If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear
- Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cars, bikes or games
- You have enough clothes.
- You have too many shoes.
- U r in shape….. Round IS a shape!
- Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh..
Pass this to as many women as you can – to give them a bigger laugh
This is the story of I.S.I.S
1) It is one of the biggest examples of mass-brainwash because most of them do not even know how they have ended up there.
2) The belief is so much ingrained in certain societies that those parents are proud to see their grown-up children joining it.
3) The conditioning actually begins right from the moment the child is born. Parents decide that when the child grows up, he will eventually join it to bring them fame.
4) These people sacrifice their youthful days, they sacrifice sports, they sacrifice their freedom, slog upto 24 hours a day, because they think they can experience paradise later if they sacrifice everything now.
5) Although these people are treated like cattle, they think they are doing a noble job.
6) They think they are “changing the world”, but little do they realize that America is actually exploiting them for its own advantage.
Yes, they are I.S.I.S = Indian Software Industry Slaves
Now, read the post again from the beginning:
What is infinity Loop??
Any guess.
Read
The boss calls his secretary & says: “Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip
The secretary calls husband & says: “Me & my boss r going on a business trip for 2 days so take care of yourself”
The husband calls his girlfriend & says: “My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun”
The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition: “No tuition this weekend.”
The boy calls his father: “Dad, at last we can spend this weekend together.”
Dad (The boss) calls his secretary & says: “Business trip is cancelled. I’m going to spend weekend with my son”
The secretary calls husband: “I won’t be going”
The husband calls his girlfriend: “I am sorry My wife is not going “
The girlfriend calls boy:”You have tuition”
Boy calls his father & says:”Sorry Dad, I’ve classes”
The Dad calls his secretary.
Happiness
Lady told the Advocate:
I want to again marry my ex-husband
Advocate asked lady:
Why, last month only you got the divorce
Lady told advocate:
After divorce he is very happy and I cannot tolerate this
Self Confidence
Self Confidence at its Peak.
A Man wrote to S.B.I.:-
“My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank”
Two Types of wife
There are two types of wives.
First Type: Quiet, Beautiful, Understanding, Not Argumentative, Loving, One who listens to husband
Second Type: Your own wife
PUNCTUALITY
A Gujarati Company Owner was asked a Question:
“How do you Motivate your Employees to be so much Punctual?”
He Smiled & Replied:
“It’s simple; I have 30 Employees & 29 Free Parking spaces. One is PAID parking!
Men are Men
A girl at bus top spotted a handsome man and without hesitation she told ” i love u”
Man placed his hand on her head: ” this love and infatuation all are nothing,
Go back to your home and study hard so that u can lead a successful life”
Man then placed a piece of paper in her hand:” i have written some wisdom for you. Read before u sleep” and went away.
Girl went back to hostel with tears and before sleep she opens the paper.
“Are you blind? My wife was standing behind me. anyway this is my number call me anytime. By the way. i love u too!”
Culinary Skills
Wife: Shall I prepare Sambar or Rasam today.
Husband: First make it, we will name it later.
Google and Wife
A frustrated husband in front of his laptop:
dear google, please do not behave like my wife…
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting
Prayers
A married man’s prayer;
Dear God, u gave me childhood, u took it away
U gave me youth; you took it away.
U gave me a wife………. It’s been years now,
just reminding u….
Durga
Employee: Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home??
Boss: I am a lion at home too, But Goddess Durga sits on the lion there!
Deal
A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn’t speak to him for 6 months.
Was the necklace FAKE?
Nooooo! That was the deal
Prayers
A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, “the food looks delicious, let’s eat.”
Wife: honey. You usually say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: that’s at home sweetheart……here the chef knows how to cook.
Slogan
Best Slogan on a MAN’s T-Shirt:
Please Do Not Disturb me, I am Married and already very Disturbed”
Racism
Killer speech by Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe: “Racism will never end as long as white cars are still using black tyres. Racism will never end if people still use black to symbolise bad luck and white for peace. Racism will never end as long as those who don’t pay their bills are blacklisted not whitelisted. Even when playing snooker. You haven’t won until you’ve sunk the black ball, and the white ball must remain on the table. But I don’t care, as long as I’m still using white toilet paper to wipe my black ass
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